|We Don't Believe You|
|Written by Dave McMillian|
by DAVE MCMILLIAN
In the recent past, when a famous athlete admitted to using steroids or performance enhancing drugs, he or she had three options: 1) The Barry Bonds approach: admit to using drugs but also informing the public you had no clue as to the exact substances your trainer was injecting in your butt (the quasi-ignorance method). Also to pull off this technique you must have a trainer that is willing to visit the California Penal system on your behalf and not everyone is equipped with that type of “anti-synching” budget. 2) The Roger Clemens approach: totally deny any wrong doing, by lying in front of congress, thus isolating yourself from your team and your fans. All of this dishonesty is not only under sworn testimony, but you are also sitting next to your steroid-running former trainer during the entire event. Or finally, 3) The Andy Petitte approach: admit you used steroids, come clean and apologize to your family, fans and team.
However, last week we all witnessed a new strategy in the modern era of admitting steroids use: The A-Roid approach.
The first step is to lie to the entire country about taking steroids (Please go back and “YouTube” the Alex Rodriguez video clip with Katie Couric, you can feel him lying through his teeth) and then emerge as the role model for steroid-free baseball players and everything right in America’s favorite pastime. The second step is to get caught in your huge lie by a federal report and an investigative reporter. Then accuse that same reporter of stalking you. The third step is to ask your favorite baseball-friendly ESPN analyst to set up an intimate one-on-one, non-intrusive interview, in which you apologize and blame the drug use on pressure and immaturity (Even though at the time of alleged use, you were already an 8 year veteran). [Side Bar: If he claims the pressure of Texas drove him into the world of steroids, what does the pressure of the Bronx make you do? Heroine? Acid? I know the Big Brown horse steroids!!!] Additionally, during the interview you must look nervous and uncomfortable, claiming that you have no idea what steroids you shot up or where you received them. The fourth and final step is to set up a Yankee press-conference 9 days after the first ESPN interview, in which reporters can only ask one question. In the final step, you now all of the sudden know the name of the steroid you injected and you claim it was just an energy booster. When asked where you got the drugs, you blame it on a nameless cousin who ventured to the Dominican Republic to get the illegal over-the-counter substance. You also tell the media present, you had absolutely no idea how to administer the steroids; calling your usage “amateur hour.” The only consistency in the two interviews is that you blame your age and naiveté for the 3 years of drug use. Finally for a “Hollywood” dramatic ending you acknowledge your teammates in the audience by almost choking up and pausing for true theatrical effect. (C’mon man!!! I can see Barry Bonds and Jose Canseco looking at this spectacle and laughing out loud. On the other hand, Roger Clemens in his delusion probably believes every word of it.)
So let me get this straight Mr. Rodriguez… first you not only lied to the world about your drug use, but you simultaneously accepted the baseball purists’ and Bud Selig’s role as Jesus Christ of baseball. You knew you weren’t taking “Flintstone” vitamins, so you should have stepped back and let someone else take the role of savior. But you wanted to flap your angel wings right into the Hall of Fame and now it’s likely you’ll never see it. So now that you have been caught and admitted to drug use, you want us to believe that you only experimented with performance enhancing drugs, given to you by a mythical Dominican cousin? Nope. I’m not a drug counselor or Dr. Drew, but I thought most people experiment with drugs like marijuana, tobacco or maybe cocaine. I have never heard of anybody who experiments with anabolic steroids, especially not for three years. Last time I checked the experimentation period ends after the first take.
A-FRAUD went on to tell the media that he was 24-25 years young and wasn’t educated enough to know the dangers of what he was doing, because he skipped college. He does make a valid point; Americans learn more about drugs during college than any other time of their lives. But he had served 8 years in the league and was the highest paid player in all of sports. You’re telling me that you couldn’t afford a little research and the best expert you could hire was Cousin “Pablo” from the old “barrio?” Nope, I still don’t believe you. Also by the end of his alleged drug use (he told Peter Gammons of ESPN that the “2003 end date” was pretty accurate) he was 27-28 years old and fully aware of the consequences and results of his usage. Mr. Rodriguez, if you cannot get away with the immature/innocent excuse when you are 25, you damn sure can’t do it when you’re 28. The A-Roid approach only digs a deeper hole. A wise man once said that if you find yourself in a hole, the best thing to do is to stop digging. That wise man was Bill Clinton and he was attempting to advise our 43rd president. Funny thing is George W. and A-FRAUD both spent years in the same organization, the Texas Rangers and both know how to hold on to a shovel. Maybe the A-Roid approach is actually the George W. Bush approach passed down. Hmmmmm…?
If you listened to last week’s Barbershop podcast, I admitted to the world that I used “Creatine” for one summer. I’m not blaming my usage on a former offensive line coach or a friend who had an inside GNC connect. Yes America, I used “Creatine”, knowing the results and consequences of my actions. And after careful review of each method, I will personally employ the Andy Petitte approach; I plan on avoiding the Alex Rodriguez approach at all cost. Andy Petitte knew he had done something wrong, so he opened up and told the entire truth. When somebody has incriminating evidence and your best story has more holes than a fishnet stocking, why would you answer questions that only lead to more questions? When Petitte was asked to explain himself to the media, he talked to the media for more than an hour. Essentially, he sat on the surgeons table and allowed the sports media to dissect his drug abusing mind, leaving no organ unscathed. When Petitte walked away from the podium, so did the preverbal cloud of steroid questions. On the other hand, the “golden boy” of baseball, Alex Rodriguez, has put together two questionable interviews and one of the most unbelievable tall tales the sports world has ever seen or heard. When you add the factors of his inconsistent stories and his natural star power, the media is going continue to eat this up like Kobayashi at a hot dog eating contest.